It’s about perspective. If I believe I am a victim, then I have the experience of feeling like a victim and of actually being a victim.
When you have had the experience of being a victim, it is of utmost importance to allow that experience to run its course by expressing it in a safe container, for example, with someone who is trained in holding space for the expression of extreme and disturbing emotions. This process usually takes time, it occurs in layers, and it cannot be successfully rushed.
Too often, we encounter the strategy of attempting to use our minds to “overcome” the experience of having been a victim. This is not helpful. There is no “getting over it” until we allow ourselves to admit how we really feel about it fully.
If the experience happened, and it is not fully processed, it will stay in the body and attempt to work itself out of your nervous system, like a splinter works itself out of your foot, in various ways, often by attracting increasingly amplified, similar victim experiences. This may seem cruel, however, it is ultimately helpful.
This happens because the subconscious actually wants to be conscious. It requires an enormous amount of unsustainable energy in order to suppress an experience. Suppressing, walling off, pushing away our experiences is stressful to the body, and in the long-term creates physical imbalances and dis-ease. The body/mind/spirit actually wants to heal though, so it brings us opportunities to experience what our mind and our conditioning is attempting to push down or away.
Turning toward our pain proactively through embodiment practices like meditating with the body, yoga, qigong, dance, or any effective embodiment practice, with the the ultimate intention to LET GO, that is, to forgive–this is the answer and antidote to the counterproductive, exhausting work of subconsciously attempting to push away our painful, traumatic experiences. This is, if you want to heal, of course. And not everyone wants to heal or is even ready to begin the process, which is ok. It’s not helpful to try and force healing in ourselves or in others. There is a greater story at play in which we all are participant-creators, and there is a divine timing to the unfolding of life.
As you process the experience of being a victim, you are likely to start seeing opportunities to recognize and remember your empowerment and responsibility. We start to see how we may have allowed, participated or even created the victim experience. This is extremely difficult to hear for people who are deeply attached to their victim story, before they have forgiven the perpetrator in their experience.
When people are not ready to hear about their responsibility, what they usually need is space to express the reality and gravity of their victim experience. Their inner child is wounded and needs care. This does not mean for us to hold weak boundaries with them. This also doesn’t make us responsible for helping them heal. As we heal, we recognize more and more of our personal responsibility.
Responsibility means the ability to respond. We can respond by offering to hold space, or we can respond by compassionately walking away or asking for space. There are many ways to respond, as long as we are aware of them.
Suffering sucks. However, it is not our responsibility to save anyone. Of course we may choose to offer help in a way we imagine would be effective, but I see no moral *obligation* to rescue another who chooses to stay stuck in suffering. Of course there is an impact to whatever our choice may be.
The more deeply we heal, the more deeply we feel, and the more poignant the suffering of others becomes to us because we sense more clearly through the illusion that they are separate from ourselves. In other words, we see them as other-selves, as ourselves, as not separate from ourselves. This, for me, has helped open my heart and inspire passionate empathy for the state and condition of those who suffer around me, and increasingly so, I want so much to help alleviate the suffering, as if my own arm or heart is crying out in pain when I feel the suffering of my other-selves.
You ALWAYS Have A Choice
What I invite you to recognize here is that you ALWAYS have a choice. I offer the perspective that there is no situation where you are truly a victim unless you believe that you are.
Yes, the stakes are high and the pain may be excruciating, and, I ask you, is it possible that at some level of your Being that you are participating in the creation of this scenario?
We imagine that we are who we think we are and nothing more. We imagine that we are not so powerful. We turn our backs on the One Self, from whom we are never truly separate, that is, to the extent we indulge ourselves and deny Ourselves.
The way to remember, bit by bit, layer by layer and in due time, is to practice turning toward those parts of ourselves which imagine our Divinity to be not true. Those parts are in pain.
Do not condemn those parts of yourselves or others. Let them express themselves. Let those dark parts be transformed by the light of awareness. Recognize that these parts of ourselves are in pain to the extent which they deny their true Identity, as they continue to create and sustain the illusion, for as long as they can, that they are anything but What and Whom they really are.
I’m a voluntaryist.
What that essentially means is that my organizing moral principle is non-harming, “ahimsa,” or more commonly known as the Non-Aggression Principle (NAP).
This principle is that to initiate force or to initiate the threat of force is immoral. Self-defense and defense of private property is ok.
Obviously there are an infinite number of complex scenarios where things can get fuzzy, however, this basic principle is my guiding moral compass.
In our culture, many people talk about creating situations that are “win-win.” This means that as a result of interacting or transacting, both parties win– that is to say that both parties feel good about the outcome of the situation.
Where I believe classical libertarians often fall short is in consideration of the greater whole, that is of the greater collective community, and of the natural ecosystem of the earth.
It is not enough for me and you both to win if our neighbors and our fellow humans lose. It is also not enough if people win but the earth loses, because the earth is, after all, our mother.
In order for our interactions and transactions to be truly optimal, I invite consideration of the Triple Win where We All Win.
Let us always strive to live our lives in this way, honoring more of the totality of our Being.
Why do so many people resist being helped?
Have you attempted to offer service to others before and encountered resistance? I know I have!
I wonder if it comes from years of conditioning that accepting service or receiving help makes one appear weak or incapable themselves.
“I’m good,” people often say when encountering attempts to offer them assistance. Interesting. Does that mean receiving assistance is interpreted as being “bad” somehow? If I accept help, did I have a weakness?
It’s the ego that has its defenses up.
And some of it, maybe most of it is for good reason.
Not every offer of assistance is valid.
By defending against assistance, one can protect himself against false attempts to “serve” that would not really benefit him.
So patient persistence is the key here, if you really want to offer help. Be willing to meet their shields and defenses with understanding and patience. This is what allows an opening, if an opening is in order.
No forcing. No coercing. Instead: reasoning, understanding, curiosity.
It reminds me of the cultivation of trust in any relationship.
Trust is not an entitlement. Trust is earned.
So people’s defenses are an opportunity to earn their trust. Trust can sometimes be won through patient persistence and allowing the process the time it needs.
It requires approval for the current moment without pushing for something else, but after accepting what is, inviting forth something new.
I’ve been reading the Law of One series, the Ra Material. I’m about halfway through book 3 (there are 5 books). I highly recommend it! It has been blowing my mind.
In these books, Ra transmits wisdom about the evolution of consciousness, among many other things.
Ra says there are 2 paths: The path of the heart, of forgiveness, acceptance, compassion and service to others. And there is the path of service to self, of separation and control.
Interestingly, Ra says that ultimately these two paths merge in the 6th density, where polarity melts away. Apparently, we are currently still in the 3rd density of self-consciousness as a planet, on the verge of moving into the 4th density of group consciousness, transparent thought, and heart-centered living. If you’re curious, Ra says the 5th density is also transparent of thought and is more about balancing compassion with wisdom.
I am on the path of the heart, of acceptance and service to others. And realizing this at deeper levels has been immensely helpful for my integrity of mind/body/spirit.
I intend to live my life from this place so that everything that I do ultimately fuels my service to others.
Ra emphasizes the importance of meditation, over and over and over again. Meditation is where we are able to know the self more fully, to integrate our experiences, and to gain understanding and spiritual development, among many other benefits. Ra does not recommend a specific type of meditation, which is interesting as well.
In the context of service to others, my life makes much more sense.
I can more intentionally live from the place of: How can I serve? And how can I go about my daily life in a way that benefits others?
Of course, this entails taking care of myself, so that I am able to serve effectively.
So I’ll just end this blog with a short prayer:
May I live well today. May I practice well, in what I do. May I be filled with beauty, love, truth, freedom and acceptance for all of Creation. May I be filled with wisdom to know how to serve best. May I radiate love, so as to inspire others to forgive and to serve others as well, so that suffering may be lessened and that joy may increase.
I coach my clients in 4 fundamental areas of life or 4 Pillars of being fully ALIVE. Together with my clients we develop personalized strategies for upgrading, enlivening and mastering each of these sectors of their lives. Ultimately, all 4 of these “Pillars” or areas of life operate like 4 legs of a table. When one of them is not strong, the stability of their life will be shaky. When all 4 Pillars are strong, then your life will be stable and full of abundance, joy, fulfillment and peace.
When you’re living in alignment with your life’s true purpose, everything else in your life flows better. Living in alignment with your life purpose is fuel and energy for the rest of your life.
When you lose touch with your life purpose, the quality of your vitality, wealth and relationships all begin to decline–maybe not right away, but in the long run this will happen unless or until alignment with purpose is restored. Again, life purpose is the fuel that feeds every other area of our lives. Usually a sense of purposeless correlates with depression, feeling lost, feeling lifeless, i.e. less life or less alive.
If you don’t know what your life purpose is then I suggest you decide that your newfound purpose will be figuring out what your purpose is. Spend some time each day alone with a notepad writing down ideas or better yet book some life coaching sessions with me! We’ll get right to it and you’ll be feeling the fire of life again in no time.
Also remember that your definition of your life purpose may shift over time. Just because you decide THIS is my life purpose now doesn’t mean it’s written in stone and you can never change it in the future. It is likely that your definition of your life purpose will evolve with your consciousness over time.
My personal life purpose is to become ever more fully ALIVE and to serve that same desire in others.
What this means to me is to embrace the particular daily practices I have chosen to optimize, enjoy and evolve my life.
I won’t get into what my daily/weekly practices are right now, but suffice it to say that once you have your purpose, practice of your purpose is what must follow. If daily practice of your purpose does not arise, then you are not in touch with your true purpose, so go back to practicing the purpose of questioning what your purpose might be, experimenting purposefully until you find it. That way, you can never be without a purpose!
When you have lots of energy and your vitality is strong, then anything seems possible. When your vitality is low, very little seems possible or achievable.
Many people are conditioned to “burn the candle at both ends” or in other words, to burn themselves out. But once you are burned out, then you’ll have to recover, and that can consume a lot of time and energy. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. The key to vitality is to practice it every day as if your life depends on it because your life does depend on it. This includes activities like walking in nature, consistently breathing fresh, clean air (indoor and outdoor), drinking structured, energized, clean water and consuming food which fuels and energizes you instead of inflaming and draining you.
This also includes exercise and recovery (which should more often be mentioned together like this, as one, single phrase), and I include physical activities which have a spiritual and healing dimension as well like Qigong and Yoga, etc.
Vitality is a non-negotiable in life. If you don’t have it, then you don’t have life.
Monetary or capital wealth is generated based on the value you exchange with others.
Yes, there are types of wealth other than monetary or capital, for example, spiritual wealth. And while spiritual wealth is the most important type of wealth, capital wealth is an area of utmost concern for most of us living in modern society. When we dial in our relationship and mastery of wealth, everything else in our lives becomes easier.
Money has to do with the root chakra or in Maslow’s hierarchy, with survival needs. Issues at the root are often fraught with emotional charge, and the more we heal and energize this area, because it is foundational, then the rest of the structure of our physiology and life, i.e., the external circumstances of our life function more smoothly. Strong foundation = better chance of an overall strong structure. Without a good foundation, the structure will fail.
When we have plenty of energy (money is a physical representation of energy), capital or other resources or means of exchange to offer in exchange for products and services that enhance our lives, everything in life is easier! Our relationship with wealth and our level of wealth has a lot do with our perceptions and our beliefs around money and around life in general.
In most of the world, people have been heavily conditioned by society to have a negative and stressful relationship with money and resources and to believe that energy is scarce. The truth is that energy is the most abundant thing that exists. Everything is made out of energy, so there is no such thing as a scarcity of energy! However, there are more and less skillful ways of working with the energy and packaging and exchanging value in a way that builds wealth in the long term.
Mastering this “Pillar” of success allows everything else in our lives to work better.
Dating & Relationships
Life is about relationships. And relationships consistently provide some of our best and most challenging opportunities for growth and enjoyment of life.
Some people say that your network is your net worth. This idea reflects how interconnected every “Fully Alive Pillar” is with each of the others. You really can’t have one of the pillars missing since there’s a crucial relationship among all four of them.
What’s the point of life if it’s beautiful but you can’t share it!? Sharing your life with others gives ineffable meaning to life.
So even if you are single and you like it that way, you still have relationships with your family or friends or coworkers or clients, etc.
Some of my clients have been or are currently in a dating phase of their lives. Dating presents its own set of unique challenges and experiences.
When I was in my early and mid-twenties I spent around 1000 nights going out to bars and clubs and other social venues approaching women, practicing cold-approach pick-up. Not only did I train myself with consistent real life experience, I was also constantly watching videos from the most experienced “dating gurus” in the world, reading their articles and books and immersing myself in the world of improving my dating skills. It was very challenging for me and also fun sometimes. I learned a lot about male-female attraction and how to navigate the dating world. I learned a lot about human connection.
Eventually I found my way into long term monogamous relationships (I have a beautiful life partner of almost 5 years now) and I’ve also briefly experimented with polyamory. To further my experience and understanding of general relational dynamics and human connection, I practiced (and eventually facilitated) Authentic Relating. I also practiced Orgasmic Meditation and other advanced relational practices which have given me rare insight into human connection and how to cultivate it.
Of course there is also the platonic as well as the business side of human connection. I’ve always had an intuitive, easy ability to make friends anywhere I’ve gone. The difference with me is that I also know how to explain what I’m doing and how to help people become more magnetic, confident and charismatic and to naturally connect with others more easily, if that is one of their desires. It can take practice for some, but it’s simply a skillset like any other skillset which can be learned and honed. As is often the case, most of it is about unwinding societal conditioning and programming.
Lastly, but not least, I’ve spent my entire working career, over 15 years in direct sales, more than 9 years of which I have been successfully knocking on doors in order to sell residential roofing and other storm damage restoration services. I have a natural knack with people which, again, I have consciously developed over this lifetime, and the beauty is that I can transmit my knowledge of human connection to others in a way that they can understand and implement in order to master their own variety of relationships.
Some people like to divide life into more than just 4 sectors, and I have no problem with that. These are the Pillars or sectors of life that I use and that I work on with my clients. Mastering these Pillars of Success is mastering life itself. There are many different ways to go about doing this, but all of them require curiosity, experimentation and practice.
When we are willing to practice opening ourselves up to life, to embrace life, to face each area of our lives directly and to practice eliminating our futile attempts to run and hide from the intensity of life, life rewards us with abundance, joy, fulfillment and peace.
How about that?
Just because someone is older does not mean they are wiser.
Wisdom is generally assumed to be closely correlated with age, i.e., “the older you are, the wiser you are.” However, to more accurately reflect reality, wisdom should instead be understood as loosely correlated with age.
Here are two reasons why:
1) Age is correlated with experience, but experience is accumulated in different areas of life by different people at extremely different RATES of accumulation.
Some people accumulate experience much more quickly relative to others. How to accumulate experience quickly and the factors involved in that is a good topic but one for another article.
2) Experience alone does not equal wisdom. It takes experience + understanding to produce wisdom plus at least a little something more.
Understanding is a combination of 1) intelligence – which I define as the ability to comprehend, assimilate and creatively combine information as well as 2) perspective – the capacity to recognize relationships between wholes and parts.
To add one more dimension, wisdom is greater than the sum of experience + understanding. It also has (at least) the qualities of patience, humility, gratitude, presence and probably humor.
If wisdom were a gourmet meal served at a fine restaurant, the appetizer would probably be humility, the main courses would consist of experience and understanding, and the dessert would be gratitude. Patience would be the beverage of choice, topped off frequently throughout. Also, just a heads up, the courses are likely to arrive in a completely unpredictable order, e.g., the first course might come before the appetizer and you might not get the second course until after dessert, so a little humor can go a long way.
P.S. If you know someone who would like to stoke the fires of purpose and passion in their life, to upgrade their vitality or increase their skillfulness with dating or relationships, forward them this email or send them this link!